Body/Mind Connection

Good Morning, Ladies - 

I didn't get a chance to write yesterday, but it was a good day! I am happy to report that Chris and I went to Planet Fitness and got in another 40 minute workout.  Nutritionally, I made wise choices, too! Although I was super hungry last night - and tired. I woke up tired, too... But, I think that is because my mind was busy.  Today, I need to write about one of my biggest struggles. I am just going to type it all out... Sorry if I ramble and THANK YOU for letting me get it out. 

Last night and into today, I have had a lot on my mind.  And I realized how icky and sad some people's situations and behaviors have been making me feel.  I have felt guilt, anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration and plain and simple confusion.  I just don't understand why I should be expected to continually extend the courtesy of trust to people who aren't trustworthy. It just isn't going to happen.  And when trusts have been broken - and reality has exposed itself, how do you pretend it's anything other than what it is?  People who don't matter to you are easy to walk away from.  People you love are a different story.  Love can be unconditional.  But, it doesn't have to be ignorant or allowed to be abused.  That is what boundaries are for and why I enforce them for myself.  They are my protection.  Boundaries are what keep me from hating the people who have repeatedly lied or misrepresented themselves to me.  

I have a long history of not trusting people. People who have claimed to love and hold me dear have been the ones to lie the most and misrepresent our relationships. I'd like to say I will trust until lied to, but I just don't.  I trust those who have shown me they are trustworthy.  Is that fair? No, not to those who are truly trustworthy.  But, I don't know how to let that guard down.  I may never.  It's made me a bit of cynic and (I will own it) judgmental. I don't have trust that some people will ever change. Even if I give them more access to me and my life as an extension of trust, I really don't trust that the other foot won't fall.  I am always waiting for it...somewhere in the back of my mind and deep in my heart, I am waiting to be hurt.  How sad is that?  

All of these feelings give me great anxiety.  People tell me to forgive for myself - for my own healing.  But, I've tried.  How the heck do you forgive and never forget... it doesn't seem really possible to me because in the back of my head, I haven't forgotten... so I am not really trusting or forgiving. I sort of live my life in a "once bitten, twice shy" mode most of the time.  

I don't understand why someone would want to continue cycles of dishonestly, abuse, addiction, etc. 

And if you don't want to continue the cycles, why not break them? 

Now - here is where the guilt comes in.  I am guilty of continuing cycles of unhealthy relationships, health, and financial strife. I know the paths I have taken and the plans I have broken over the years have just prolonged achieving my goals and being at peace in my heart and mind. I feel guilty for judging the mistakes of others. But, I do.  

This conflict within myself is often what drives my unhealthy decisions. Giving up on goals, chocking it all to the wayside... self-defeating. So... what do I do? 

I am choosing to tackle things at a pace that is healthy for me.  I am making changes in my life.  I started 7 years ago when I promised myself I wouldn't repeat the mistakes of my past with Chris. I opened my heart and exposed my demons to this man and he loved me anyway.  He is the single biggest step I have made towards healing.  I love him - I love us.  With him, I have been able to face other hang-ups, dysfunctional relationships and start to make small changes towards being at peace with myself and my boundaries.  

My most recent hurt is one of the biggest I have faced in quite some time.  I don't know what to do. I just pray. And I do what I can to not let it derail all of the other good things that I am accomplishing in my life or negatively affect the healthy relationships I have... they are my most treasured things. 

I am proud of the healthy things I am doing; but I am struggling to not "eat" my emotions or buy some happiness with shopping and spending.  So, I need reminders and motivation to keep on keeping on.

My LOVE is unconditional, but my TRUST isn't. I have boundaries; and for that I am not sorry.

I am making HEALTHY heart, life and body changes; and for that I am proud. 

I plan to make today a GREAT day!  I hope you do the same. 

Love, Dee