Why haven't I blogged? It's been so long.

I don't know.
Maybe because inside I am angry, disappointed and sad about so many things that are hard to ignore or pretend don't exist.
Maybe because I am disappointed in myself for not keeping to my "plan" on working out or eating healthy.
Maybe because I am just simply overwhelmed by life.

I don't know how to be "fake".  And it's getting harder and harder to maintain some friendships and relationships when I just can't bring myself to smile and nod any longer.

And you could say... Season, Reason, Lifetime.
You know... the different types of friendships a person has.

...and you could say family is family.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

I am just stuck in a place where I have to redefine my boundaries and my heart's map.
The sucky part is that some friendships I really believed to be "lifetime" aren't.
The closeness I once counted on with some family and friends wasn't or rather isn't real.  It was the facade they put on it and I believed.  So, truth is - I am not in the mood to blog or be "healthy" or exercise or anything other than hide away with my little family in my home.

I hate my new reality.

It hurts.

I am who I am.  Regardless of which environment you find me, which people I am with.  I don't have different "Dee's" for different people.  You all get a fairly common version of me... depending on the strength of our relationship, some get more of me than others, but not a different me.  I don't morph into a different person with a different story for different audiences.  I am simply...Dee.

I hope those who value me as their friend or family know this about me.

For my New Year's resolution, I think I need to figure out how to not feel guilty for being me.